Admittedly, he charted an unconventional path to the presidency, sidestepping the mathematical path to 270 electoral votes. After a campaign of harvesting human DNA and bovine abuse, he affectively took over the Federal government at the end of the first Destroy All Humans! game. Look to the extraterrestrial trailblazer Crypto (full name Cryptosporidium) for that demographics’ best nominee.Ī sadistic soldier of the Furon Empire, Crypto mounted a one-alien invasion of the United States back in the goofy 1950s.
If you’re as sick as I am of conspiracy theorists trumpeting that the president was born in Kenya, why not elect a politician from a different solar system altogether? That would stick it to them. If that’s not an inspiring stump speech, I don’t know what is! All those who oppose the Enclave will fail! I am President John Henry Eden, and this is my pledge - no one, NO ONE will take this great nation away from me!”
President Eden, what can you promise the American electorate?
Tropico 5 elections full#
But besides plotting the extermination of a few mutants, Eden foresees a bold vision for our future, full of bald eagles and apple pie.
Many might peg Eden as a delusional extremist, a wonky Artificial Intelligence gone wrong. I mean, at least give us a president who can pretend he’s wholesome. Sure, he didn’t actually grow up in rural Kentucky, but by God can he spin that fake childhood into an inspiriting speech. presidents downloaded to his memory banks, he could please everyone. Try finding that ambition in a mainstream candidate’s talking points.Īn advanced, sentient super computer, Eden would bring not only unmatched intelligence to the White House, but charisma too. We’re talking about reclaiming civilization here. Forget healthcare and entitlement reform. After nuclear warheads blasted the world of Fallout 3 into an irradiated wasteland, Eden dared to dream of an America restored to its former glory. No one knows this better than John Henry Eden. To overcome the unending challenges our nation faces, the 46th president must recognize that war, war never changes. When a cult of parasite-worshipping weirdos kidnapped his daughter in Resident Evil 4, he cut through the red tape to send in special agent Leon Scott Kennedy to wipe them out. We’re fed up with business as usual, and nothing can uproot Washington D.C.’s partisan gridlock and special interests faster than a localized t-Virus outbreak.Ī Benford administration would do well to adopt the homeland security initiatives of his predecessor, President Graham. Imagine how much more exciting the next State of the Union address would be if the president shambled into the House Chamber and tore a mouthful of flesh out of the nearest congressman. Hey, if zombies in Resident Evil 6 are smart enough to fire guns, I see no reason why they can’t faithfully execute the Office of the President of the United States. But he didn’t stay dead for long! Now his insatiable hunger for human brains is matched only by his drive to serve the American people. As president, Adam Benford battled the menace of Bio Organic Weapons and lost his life in a terrorist attack plotted by global elites. If mutating into a rotting, walking corpse somehow makes a person unfit to hold office, then our election system really is rigged. Because if you want to toy with an alternate candidate, a fictional one is as good as any this year. But compared to the candidates Americans are stuck rooting for in 2016? Casting a write-in vote for Princess Peach doesn’t look so insane now, does it? That’s why I’ve rounded up five videogame presidents who deserve your vote on Nov. Caught between the Donald and Clinton 2.0, can you blame voters for thinking they’ve encountered a game-breaking bug on their ballots? The harshest player choices in Mass Effect look more uplifting.įrom kidnapped princesses to evil emperors, videogames aren’t exactly known for inspiring leaders either. For more than a year, caustic debates and ugly scandals have shaped an election so bitter and divisive, it makes a typical console war look civil. I don’t believe I exaggerate when I say we’d rather contemplate which starter to pick in Pokémon Sun and Moon instead. With a grueling election cycle inching into its final lap, millions of gamers nationwide will soon help elect the next President of the United States.
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